I have discovered what has been making me sad. It is obvious, and I knew it before, but I didn't realize the magnitude of its importance. I have not been working as hard as I can, and it is what's been depressing me. My whole life I have tried me best, I have given it my all, I have wanted to explore my own boundaries. However recently, because I lack a one, identifiable passion in life, I have found no reason to try, at all. I have been unmotivated. And that bothers me more than I think anything else in this world. Me, knowing I could do better, and conciously not. I don't know what it is in me, but I want to be on the very edge of my capabilities. I want to perform with every last cell in me. For what, it doesn't matter. It's just what I want to do. It puts a contentment in my heart merely to think of it. I don't think there is any other way I can live other than my absolute hardest.

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