A Requiem for a Dream.

I hate sitting here, doing what I am doing. I hate thinking over and over about the same thing. I hate repeatedly failing myself over and over and over again. I hate convincing myself. I hate being too scared to do anything I want to do. I hate wanting security. I hate that my heart was damaged and will forever be dead. I hate living life like a zombie. I hate caring so much about not caring. I hate the way the sky looks at night-- it goes on forever and there are so many stars and it is impossible to ever know why. I hate that I am evil. I hate that God refuses to save me. I hate that the best part of my life is over and I am waiting to die. I hate that I can't do anything I want to. I hate that I am fucked up. I hate that I am out of balance. I hate that I don't make sense, and everyone holds it against me. I hate that everyone is against me. I hate that I am a competition. I hate that I am bleeding invisibly with disgust. I hate that I can think farther than I can go. I really hate that. I hate that my life is constant failing. I hate that I am so angry and it's killing me, eating out my bones, and nothing and no one will ever see or care about that fury as much as I do. I hate that I can sign my name ten thousand more times, cover a hundred more pages in ink, and it won't make me any more tangible or perfect. I hate that it doesn't have to be this way and yet it is.

I hate that not everybody has been spoiled, and that those who haven't think it's stupid. To You: Fuck You.

I hate everything about this crazy world and skull I live in. I hate that it feels as sensitive as plants feel the sun.

I hate that I am conventional, and will not go to Texas tomorrow morning, and will not speak for anything because nothing makes sense to speak about, not even sense itself. And I hate that that is a contradiction in itself, but it can't be righted. I hate that that statement is right, but just by being right it is therefore wrong, and because I said "therefore", then it must be right. But now it's wrong. I hate that this goes on and on until infinity, but even more, I hate that infinity has limits when put into different equations. That means it's right. Similarily, some derivatives turn out to be circles. So what the fuck is that? But what really throws me over the edge is that there are multiple infinities. That is the point where I say, "Fuck You, Infinity."

Did you catch that irony just there? Probably not.

I hate that the better it gets, the worse it gets. That is when you strive for the perfect medium so it all evens out, but then the more you strive, the better/worse it gets, so instead you strive to not strive, but that is striving in itself, so it only gets exponential from there, and where there are exponents, there is infinity, and derivatives, and I say Fuck You to infinity, so now what do I have?

Nothing.

In which case, Everything?

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