I'm tired. I went to bed at 1:20 last night and woke up at 6:50. I went to the whole foods meeting unitl 9:00. Then I went psycho at home and cleaned everything I own. Then I worked the busiest day of my non-Subway work life at WFds, and now it is 11:41 and I feel slightly sick and tired.

I feel gross. Something's not quite right, and it's been itching me all day long. I can't shake it. It is of course something monumental and philosophical, or else I wouldn't bother thinking about it, and it's hurting my brain. And my Self, as well.

My Mental Health. Let's talk about that, for lack of anything more enriching to discuss, plus, my mental health is rather curious.

Exhibit A: "Am I depressed?" That is interesting. For 6 years my brain has worked very obviously different than it did 6.001 years ago. As a matter of fact, I could pinpoint the exact 3 seconds during whenst my brain became different, and there is no comparison between the way it was 6 years ago, and the way it was 6.001 years ago.

Exhibit B: "Am I Manic-Depresssed" I've been getting intense highs for about 5 years. They usually come about once a week or once a month, and only last a few hours, but they are significantly intense. It is as though a bomb of endorphins explodes within the head and then gets pumped throughout the body. It's nice, but not ver rational. I also laughed really hard and long at my aunt's funeral when I was 13, and that's suppose to be a symptom of Bipolar disorder.

Exhibit C: "Am I Insane?" I tend to talk to myself, a lot. I never did this 6.001 years ago, but for 6 years I have. It seemed a little akward the first time I did it, but now it's second nature. It's not uncommon that I'll position myself in front of a mirror and have an hour long discussion with myself, complete with facial expressions and hand mortions. I prefer it to writing in a diary. It concerns me though that this is viewed in society as a sign of insanity. Perhaps I am insane and just never realized it. I also think weird things are cool, like putting yourself in mortal danger for stupid reasons like catching fish off the coast of Alaska.

Exhibit D: "Do I Have Social Anxiety Disorder?" I experience anxiety when interacting with other people and it interferes with my work and social life. I tend to overly-concern myself with what others are thinking of me. I get scared over what other people will think of what I say, and so I analyze everything before I say it, to make sure it's risk-free-- but there's always *some* risk, and so I become extremely anxious whenever I say or do anything around people.

Perhaps it is my diet. Tree from work said that a lot of depression it nutrition-defficiency related. Maybe if I was healthier, I wouldn't be depressed. Of course, I don't even know if I am depressed or not. Perhaps I'm just a grown-up now as oppose to a child, and this is the way grown-ups are suppose to perceive things. Maybe I'm special. Maybe God gifted me with mental weirdness and it just means that I'm extra wonderful. Perhaps I'm lactose-intolerant and this is what it's doing to me. Maybe I have a brain tumor. Wouldn't that be neat if I went into surgery and they removed my tumor, and then when I woke up, I felt like I was 12 again?

I remember praying to God when I was 12 that He'd give me a major problem in life, because all the cool people seemed to be anorexic, or have drug addictions, or be poor and emotionally distressed, and my life was so easy and perfect. I just thought it would be cool to be a suffering artist.

Then God gave me this. And now I'm like, "What the Fuck, eh?". Now I pray that he take it all back, that I made a horrible mistake, but nothing's happened yet.

Exhibit E: "Do I Have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?" 6 years ago I got my heart broken, and that's when all this adult stuff started. Maybe I never recovered from the trauma of it. Maybe I have PTSD. I think it's most commonly a result of more physical catastrophe's, like car accidents etc., but maybe I'm an exception.

Anyway- Alan, I saw your aunt at WF today. Her item wasn't scanning, and she was like "Yay! It's free!" And I wasy like "Yup- it's Alan's family."

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