I've been looking for far too long for the perfect picture to put up that would show what I've been thinking about lately, but I can't find one. This one's okay, but it doesn't quite have it.

I don't feel like thinking too hard. It's one thirty o'clock in the morning and I'm tired. My head and shoulders feel akward, and I couldn't tell you why I'm keeping myself awake. My best guess'd be so that I can find that picture. But I haven't found it. Let me know if you find a crying man or woman who is really crying bad, and you can see how utterly desperate they are for anything. I found this old lady looking into the dark inside of a train, which is suppose to be where you/we are, and she's perfectly available and is looking for us-- not us, really-- but looking inside the train car to see whatever it is that's in there. But we're in the dark, so she can't see us. She's looking, and we're sort of hiding, and anyway, she can't see us.

That's adequate, I guess, in portrayal of what I've been thinking about. I don't feel like tweaking anything I write right now to fit anyone's likenesses. I'm not going to edit any of it, and so if you don't understand a sentence, or if I've mispelled, then tough.

I can't shirk what Shannon and Alaina and myself have brought up about love. Unconditional love. I keep thinking about it and how there's nothing I can find wrong with love. It's perfect; it's unconditional. I always thought that everything had two sides to it- good and bad, but I can't find anything wrong with love.

Love and Hope and Faith. All very good.

Some time last year I gave up on rationality. I found that rationality led me to chaos in the end, anyway, and so math, science, and physics were all very entertaining, but if I was going to continue to search for purpose and truth, I was going to have to go deeper than logic could take me.

It goes a little something like this:

I am sad. Let's go for a walk. What am I sad about? I am not following a greater purpose in life, no, instead I am just doing as society says I should, but I can not figure out why? What is the purpose? To make money? But I don't care baout money. To please? But what good will that do? To be happy? Yes, it must be to be happy. My purpose in life is to be happy.

But then, two weeks later, I am sad. Why? Logically, the purpose of living is to be happy, but then why do I not feel fullfilled.

LOGICALLY, I should FEEL fullfilled!!!

Why do I not? I am doing everything that should LOGICALLY make me happy. What the fuck, eh? Who's pulling my leg?

I guess it goes like this-- So what! Madelyn is happy! ooOOOoo! How fucking purposeful. A little human girl is happy, ME. And now I can go on la dee da with my life, all full of purpose.

That's the way it should be. But it's not. Happiness is not purpose. It should be, yes, according to the way of thought that makes everything else work and fit together in this world, but it is not. How unfortunate.

So I arrived at this: rationality does not work when it comes to purpose in life. It should, but it doesn't. If I can't feel it, it ain't real.

So I look around me to see who's fullfilled. If I can't find an answer rationally, I can at least try to find one through association. Alan Kwong. How perfect. He's happy. Seems to me fullfilled. I must know-- I must know how. Why. To: alankwong@****.com "Alan, Hi. I'm Madelyn Lee-- Shannon's little sister ..." Oops, shit. One year later, it turns out Alan's not fullfilled at all. It was only blissful ignorance. Alaina! Yes, how about Alaina? She's Christian, and that seems to be working out pretty well for her. Hell, it seems to be working out pretty well for a whole bunch of folks. There's got to be something in that.

Love, --hey, wait a minute-- God's message is love. Hope, --oh, shit, that works too.

I'm really tired, and I hope no one's offended, but what I've been thinking about is love and hope and how I want to go out to Boston and help Christina, but she'd probably get really freaked out and my plans of picking some stupid kiwis off trees in some stupid countryside of New Zealand, all by my stupid self, and then tell people about it who want to know, would get all fucked up. Who cares about these plans anyway? I don't. All they are, really, are ways to obtain more pride than I already have. Isn't that why most people do anything? Why go to college besides to maintain dignity? All I want to do is love people who need to be loved. That's what I need to do. I know so many people who are depressed and lonely and all by themselves and they are desperate and all I want to do is move by them and give them ..just LOVE plain and simple! I want to love them! But I am weak myself and so intead I make excuses like the wierdness it would bring and "plans" and soforth. Even though my only plan is Hope Faith and Love. This World and Myself mean nothing to me. I don't care about either right now. I have given up on them because all they mean is chaos and deceit when you dig down into them.

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