WRITTEN LAST SUMMER:

The problem, I think, with living in America, is that here I become totally occupied with myself. Here it is a competition to acheive "Ultra"-ness. You want to write a Great novel. You want to be a Great doctor. You want to be a Great artist. You want to be a Great martial-artise; a Great actress. You want to be James Bond. You want to be Humphry Bogart. Hali Berry. You want a beautiful skyline apartment that is Great and Perfect in every way. You want to be a Hiker. You want to climb Mount Everest. Tt is all about You, because, after all, You are Yourself.

But I am not what I ought to do. I could be any of those things, and in the end I would still die. I could be an engineering expert, speak 7 different languages, know everything that was going on in the world politically, and be just really smart and start a cult of my own that I was the leader of and it would spread far and wide and I would have all these followers, but in the end I would still just die. The world would be left with this following that I created, but I would be gone then and all I will have done is worked.

I guess I would rather spend my time working towards kowledge of the world which I am a part of rather than working towards becoming something. I don't want to work with the goal in mind of acheiving some one thing. I rather want to work from curiosity.

I don't want to work FOR somthing, I want to work FROM something.

In other words I don't want to work. I want to do things that I WANT to because they are enriching. I want to absorb all sorts of wonderful fairy lands and see marriage ceramonies and discuss with the fairies what they think about the purpose of life! And see cross-culture similarities, and say OH MY GOD, and just see all sorts of different people, people who are willing to talk to you and give you their time. I do NOT want to stay here with these people and continue beating this dead cow that is Minnesota.

I am so proud of myself! Except for that last sentence, I still agree with that entry in full. I am proud because it means that my opinion on what I think I ought to do with myself has not changed as drastically as I thought it had.

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