I used to think I could be a savage circus performer. I could be really good. I could tolerate the most pain. I was the strongest. I was musical. I could follow the beats. I was willing to try anything. The ideal canidate.

I used to think it was really important to be good at something. You tried your best because you would get praised for it afterwards. Praise was a good thing. People liking you was a good thing. It was good because it was exhillerating. If you got the best score on a test, it meant you were special. You were an especially good thing. It meant you were worth other people's time. Being funny was good also. It also meant you were worth other people's time. You were desired if you were funny. You were desired if you were pretty. You were desired if you came in 2nd place for the Capitol Hill rope climbing record. It made sense. You tried your best for yourself. If you did well, your life would be better. Go over big bumps on the inner-tube and don't fall off. Do the splits. Win the race. Climb the tree. Be front-center. Train your dog to shake hands. Hold your breath longer. Dare, dare, dare. Risk everything to be the best, because being the best is worth everything.

The baby likes me? Good. Look everyone-- the baby likes me. You see that? Me!

I want attention. ..I'm over here.

I've discovered, however, that I run faster when I realize that some day I may have to run just as fast except with a 200 pound male on my back; when I realize that I am not dying, but there is somebody somewhere who is. I will run because so many can't. I'll help people because life has worked out such that I can. Some people fell in love and are pregnant and have children and families. Some people are unmotivated; uneducated. Some people are presidents of insurance companies. Some people play professional football. Some people are drug addicts. I am not. I'll do it.

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