(DOT DOT DOT)

I don’t really want to write about the past anymore right now, but I do want to write about the present. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I am 18 years old, at the King Fork Road in life, and where should I go? Horseback riding? Translating? Healing? Which path? What am I meant to do? What can I do to make all my troubles go away? Should I be backpacking Europe? Is that right to do?

Actually, I kind of do know what to do. After thinking about it for 2 years now, grueling, arduous thought, I know what I have to do. I have to have stable goals, and I have to work towards them. I know what I want. I want to travel. I want to take big risks. I want adrenaline rush. I have to be the girl I love. I have to love myself. I have to love life. I have to have hope. I have to know that it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. I have to be willing to accept and enjoy Moderate and Average for the wonders that they are. I have to dig out the beauty in them—examine their evidence that life is but the accumulation of many single days. I have to shut up about reason every now and then, just shut up about that state of consciousness, and do something else. I’ve got to be willing to accept that I could die tomorrow, or at any time, even before I’ve reached my 140 year old greatness. I have to accept that this is my life, here and now, and it doesn’t get much better than this. It is ending, and I have to accept that. I have to stop looking at idols. Forget them. Forget the existence of mirrors; forget the concept of a self. Forget that Maddy is a being. Forget that I am Maddy. Remember that hope is a personal choice. Remember that I am going to be dead, regardless of whether I am ready; regardless of whether I lived myself up to a worthiness that I am satisfied with. I am going to die. I am going to die. I am going to die, and I can be fairly certain that Chance and/or Fate are not going to be asking me for my preferred date of expiration.

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