I lull in the knowledge that nobody, at this peculiar time, is as motivated as I!

I watched a Mother Teresa biography movie yesterday, hoping it would waken in me a long-sleeping secret desire to go and help poor people. No, actually I watched it to better understand the similarities and differences between the ways people (in general) need people compared to the ways *I* need people. And so I arrived at this: People do need people, however, people get their people fixes in various ways. For me, personally, it is important that I am depended on. More specifically, I like to carry other people's shit. Yeah, that's right. Their *shit*. When someone is dreading something horribly, I like to be the one to say "I'll do it instead." I'm not talking chores or labor here, I'm talking about cold fear in its purest form. When something needs to get done and their are no volunteers; when someone's in so deep they have no idea what to do; yes, yes, those are my golden moments.

In a way I am like Mother Teresa in that we both enjoy helping those who are experiencing the worst of conditions. I think, though, that we are different in that she was attracted to people who were wading in it constantly, their whole lives, while I am more attracted to people who are experiencing a one-time event. What this means, I don't know. Actually, maybe it means this: I feel that pain is relative, and so if you've been in pain for a long-period of time, I no longer consider what you're experiencing as pain; it's just your "normal." It's those who are in relative terror that I am drawn to, for relative terror is the only real terror I can think of. The worst kind.

And so you see: I want to do the job that no one else wants to do. I want to make better the situation that no one wants to be in, and if that involves swallowing the situation myself, so be it.

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