So you see, I have used logic to prove that there is no such thing as logic. So what the hell does that mean? And the people I talk to say right Maddy, I know that. That's I don't think about those things because it is pointless. Then I shut up, and accept their reasoning, even though I'm still not sure whether "reasoning" is something I should be accepting. But now I say: I CAN NOT STOP. It is an INSTINCT. It is FOOD. I cannot demand myself Maddy, stop thinking about things that drive you around in circles. There are more important things to think about and to do. I cannot do something unless I SHOULD do it. Unless it is RIGHT to do it. I woke up an hour ago and my heart was beating between 2 and 3 times per second. And that's kind of how it goes to not be certain. There is nothing you can do to become certain, and so your heart just beats really fast instead. I hate writing, and communicating, because every word I create, every sentence, every idea, is launched into existance, and then just keeps going, forever, no friction, no gravity. It just keeps going. Other people hear it, but it just keeps going. To no real end, just on (and on). I can write something, and as soon as I type the letter, it no longer sounds like the original thought. Sure, it is the oroginal thought, but there is no history behind it. No evidence. There is evidence for it in my head, but not out there in the paragraph. The evidence in my head involves my entire life experience, and so of course I couldn't give that to everybody, therefore, nobody agrees.

Irritation.

What is that?

My mom says a sentence, and I am irritated, because she it telling me what to do. I could try and explain exactly why it is that I am irritated, but it wouldn't be the whole story. I just know I am irritated, and that I want to yell extremely loud to let out some of the irritants in my body. I don't, because I can predict that doing so would make me be like Patty, I would be The Bitch, and I would end up with no one but myself. Similarity, I know when there is way too much to reconcile. Way too many things in my life that i cannot thoroughly understand. I know when I experiece overload. I know exactly where it comes in the cycle. It comes right before you give up, and right after your thoughts have been still for about a week. It's like vomiting. The poison has been collecting in your stomache for hours, you have been attempting to digest it over and over, it is being churned, and then it reaches a certain point- a somewhat random point in that you could not predict the time exactly, and then your body throws it all up. It gives up, and rejects *whatever* that bad stuff *was*- your body will never know- it just throws it up. It wanted to know what the poison was, it was trying, it was trying to digest, but you know what, it just decided it couldn't. It GAVE UP, and said, 'REJECT.' Yes, that is very much what overload is like. The depressing part is that after it's all out- all that poison wondering, I mean- after it's all out you want more. You need more fuel. And so you start wondering all over again, all for the inevitable end of throwing it all up, one week following. The even more depressing part is that all this energy and YOU NEVER REACH A CONCLUSION. There is no conclusion to the cycle. Circles don't have endpoints. You just go round and round you go. Wanting, rejecting, wanting, rejecting.

I guess there is to much to ban in this world. Too many shiqings. Too many wentis. I don't know what I'm going to do about it, either. Nothing, I guess. Live. or Die. I guess.

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